Here Comes The Judge

The Mea Culpa

I’ll admit it. I shouldn’t do it, but I still judge. I judge myself. I judge others. I judge situations.

• Do I like it? No.

• Do I know better? Yes.

• Can I stop? I try.

• Does it invade my peace? Yes.

I have found myself in a couple of situations lately where my judgment was high.

• Someone presented something of which I was skeptical.

• Someone acted in a way I don’t approve.

• Someone presented an idea I thought was questionable.

The good news is that with all my coaching training, I was able to manage my “Judge”. I could recognize it was happening and apply some curiosity. Read on to learn more about my recovery.

Why Do We Judge?

Let’s backtrack a bit. The judge in all of us has served as a basic survival mechanism. The ability to discern danger, decide who was worthy of partnering with us for the purpose of reproduction, evaluating what food might be good for us vs poisonous. It lives in all of us. It contributes to survival of the fittest. But studies have shown that it is a major cause of stress.

So What Is Wrong With Judging

The judge, or the evaluation of people or events as good or bad, right or wrong, is a tearing down force that over time can erode our happiness and negatively impact our relationships. It is Level 2 catabolic energy which is useful if you are in danger, but can impair motivation and cause stress when experienced for too long or too often. In Positive Intelligence it is the universal Saboteur that afflicts everyone. It is the saboteur that beats you up repeatedly over mistakes or shortcomings, warns you obsessively about future risks, wakes you up in the middle of the night worrying, gets you fixated on what is wrong with others or your life, etc.

In my coaching, I see the judge as a pervasive force impacting people’s happiness at work or at home. My coach gave me a great tool to tame my judge via a book called, “Change Your Questions, Change Your Life”. It teaches you to replace judgment with curiosity.

Let’s be clear. There is a distinction between "judgment" and "discernment".

Judgment: the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion

Discernment: perceiving by the sight or some other sense or by the intellect

Judgment regularly takes discernment to a negative outcome.

Example of Judging vs. Curiosity

Let’s explore what judgment vs. curiosity looks like. Imagine a scenario where your boss is essentially absent from your day to day.

Judgment might lead you to believe one of many reasons for this behavior, including:

• They don’t value your job

• They don’t value you

• They are scatter-brained

• They don’t understand your job

• You are underperforming and are about to be fired

• You are a rock star and deserve a promotion

• You are not part of their inner sanctum

• Etc,...

Note that all of these are not just judgments about them, but also about you.

Subsequently, based on these thoughts, you may feel unworthy, leading to dissatisfaction in your job and ultimately you may quit. I call these judgments “Small t Truth”.

Curiosity would lead you to asking questions at your next opportunity such as:

"I notice that you have let me handle these projects without any input or guidance. What is driving you towards this approach?"

The answer could be any one or combination of these:

• I trust you. I know you do a great job and will come to me if you need anything from me.

• I am absolutely buried in <some work> and have to prioritize my time.

• I’m distracted by my family issues right now and honestly haven’t had time to consider it

• Another team member is an underperformer and is taking all my attention right now

• Etc,...

The important pattern here is that judgments are fed by our own insecurities. When you are curious, you can hear from the horse's mouth without our insecurity filter impacting the answer. I call this “Big T Truth”.

And if you want more guidance than you are getting, now you have a great opening to ask.

How To Go From Judgment To Curiosity?

As with so many things, the first step to recovery is to recognize when judgment is happening. I would suggest that, for a week, you jot down a note every time you judge someone or something, including yourself. If you find this is happening regularly, you may need to move on to the next step which is a short centering activity and then a little empathy. Coach Shirzad from Positive Intelligence suggests picturing the person you are judging as a 5 year old child before life’s circumstances impacted their choices or approach. I would add that recognizing that the person may have good intentions, even if their approach isn’t one you prefer helps too.

Once you have tamed the judge, think of a question you can ask to discern the “Big T Truth” and stop focusing on the “Little t truth”.

A Recovering Judger

So yes, I still judge. But now, when I do, I recognize it, tame it, and have significantly reduced my stress levels and improved my relationships. Everything in my life is better. My empathy and understanding of others has improved. As a manager, switching from judgment to curiosity improved everyone’s performance. My friendships have deepened. Generally, this was a great development in my life.

You too can transition from being a judger to a learner. Read the book and schedule a free discovery call to learn techniques to make this a reality.