What Does Having It All Really Mean For Women Today?
Updated: Sep 18
Women have been told for decades that “you can have it all.” This idea sounds empowering until real life steps in with kids, careers, relationships, bills, sleep, and the occasional science project due at 8 AM. In this piece, I reflect on Lie Number Five from Bonnie Hammer’s “15 Lies Women Are Told At Work” and share my own story of chasing balance while raising kids and growing a career. I explain why I partly agree with Bonnie and why choice matters more than perfection. You will learn how to define your own version of all and how to own it without apology.
Ever try to balance a stack of plates in a windstorm That was my life when I tried to live the idea of “having it all.”
Lie Number Five in Bonnie Hammer’s “15 Lies Women Are Told At Work” pokes at a message many of us grew up with. "You Can Have It All." There is even a 1979 Enjoli ad singing about bringing home the bacon, frying it in the pan, and still reminding him he is a man. The ad made it sound like juggling everything was not only possible but glamorous.
Bonnie pushes back. She argues you can pursue your dreams but you cannot have everything running at full tilt. What you do have is choice. Something women in my parents generation rarely had in full.
I hate to admit it I agree with her. Reluctantly!
Balancing Motherhood and Career
During my first six weeks at my first job out of college working for Andersen Consulting, a woman partner visited the women in our start group. She looked at us with the tired wisdom of someone who had lived a few rounds of this. She said there are three things in life. Marriage. Kids. Career. Pick two.
At twenty two I rejected this instantly. I was convinced she was wrong. My generation was different. Half of my start group were women. We had ambition and the belief that grit could outsmart gravity.
Fast forward fourteen years Our first child arrived And gravity won I offered to go part time so my husband’s teaching and coaching schedule stayed smooth. Very traditional. Very predictable.
This is where career growth, career goals, and real life collided. I tried to be everything to everyone. Hyper achiever at work. Hyper present at home. And yes, each area suffered. I suffered too.
Combatting Burnout
It wasn’t easy. During one of the most stressful chapters of my life, I went on a short vacation with a colleague. My greatest joy on that trip - deciding whether to walk or swim to the bar.
That clarity slapped me awake. I was clearly doing too much and honestly, my “controller” saboteur probably colluded with my hyper-achiever saboteur and contributed to my stress. Burnout was not creeping in. It had unpacked a suitcase and claimed a drawer.
The Hidden Advantages
There were bright spots. My kids saw a woman contribute, create, and earn. Our household had enough income to breathe. I kept my identity beyond carpools and after school activities which softened the blow when the nest eventually emptied.
And when the marriage ended I had choices. I could support myself in comfort. But that Andersen partner’s words came back to me and I made a nod to her insight.
Follow Your Dreams While Owning Your Choices
Bonnie offers three practical truths
Define what you want - My version of "All" is not your version. Pick what you want.
Be open to change - Your version may evolve. Mine did. You get to choose motherhood, career, partnership, or any mix. You also get to change your mind. That is the gift.
Own your choices - Go for them with gusto. Believe in them and don’t let anyone tell you to make a different choice.
Will everything run perfectly
No
But perfection was never the point
Choice is
Takeaway
You can have it all Your version of all Not the ad campaign version Not the cultural fantasy Your personal recipe
Just expect tradeoffs. Expect a few dropped plates (and if you want some tips on how to avoid dropping them, read this post). Expect some days that feel less balanced than others. That is normal. That is human.
If you want support while defining your own version of all, schedule a free discovery call with me. Coaching can help you find the success formula that fits your life, your reality, and your dreams.
To see my analysis of all the lies in Bonnie's book, see:
Lie #4: https://tobyadamson.com/articles/f/am-i-showing-up-as-my-best-self
Lie #3: https://tobyadamson.com/articles/f/do-i-have-the-right-kind-of-mentor
Lie #2: https://tobyadamson.com/articles/f/am-i-expecting-to-be-rewarded-before-i%E2%80%99ve-earned-it
Lie #1: https://tobyadamson.com/articles/f/are-you-holding-on-to-the-wrong-dream
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