Do I Have the Right Kind of Mentor?

Mentorship is often romanticized as a guiding light for career growth, but not all mentors help you grow in the way you need. In this post — inspired by the third lie in Bonnie Hammer’s 15 Lies Women Are Told at Work— I explore why true mentorship isn’t about comfort, but challenge. A good mentor doesn’t just cheer you on; they push you, correct you, and help you expand your limits. You’ll learn how to recognize when you’ve found the right kind of mentor (and when you haven’t), and how to make mentorship a two-way relationship that propels your career forward.

The Lie We’ve Been Told

Let’s start with mentorship. It’s one of those buzzwords every company loves to toss around. There are official programs, coffee chats, and “mentorship initiatives” that look great in an annual report. And yet, many people still feel… lost. Because the truth is, formal programs are often too polite, too surface-level, or too generic to spark real growth.

Mentorship is supposed to light your fire. But too often, it just warms your hands.

Mentorship Isn’t About Having a Cheerleader

Everyone loves being supported. It feels good when someone tells you that you’re doing great. But here’s the thing — growth doesn’t happen in the comfort zone.

Bonnie Hammer argues that mentorship should challenge you, not just cheer you on. I agree.

The best mentors don’t just tell you you’re brilliant. They ask the hard questions. They point out your blind spots. They see potential in you that you’re too scared (or too tired) to see yourself.

They’re the people who say, “I know you can do better,” not because they’re harsh — but because they believe in your capacity to grow.

Dealing With Self-Doubt and Overcoming Fear

That kind of mentorship can trigger your saboteurs — especially if you’re a hyperachiever, avoider, or people pleaser. You might hear feedback and think: “They don’t like me.”“I’m failing.”“I’m not cut out for this.”

But those reactions come from fear and self-doubt, not truth. The key is reframing: what if their challenge isn’t criticism, but care?

When you learn to take feedback with curiosity instead of defensiveness, you stop feeling attacked and start feeling coached. That’s where real development begins. See this post on how to take feedback

Mentorship That Fuels Career Growth

Mentorship isn’t about hierarchy — it’s about connection. Some of the most powerful mentors you’ll ever have might be peers, not bosses.

Half of the sayings I live by came from colleagues who were never formally “my mentor.” One of my favorites? “Hope is not a strategy.” It came from a peer, and it has shaped countless business decisions since.

Formal mentoring programs are fine, but they’re only as effective as the relationships within them. True mentorship happens in the everyday — the spontaneous coffee chats, the hallway feedback, the colleague who tells you something you don’t want to hear but need to.

When Tough Mentors Feel Toxic

Let’s be honest: the people who push us the hardest often feel the most uncomfortable to be around. They don’t cushion their words. They question your decisions. Sometimes they even irritate you.

It’s easy to label those people as “toxic.” But what if they’re just holding up a mirror?

If you can shift your mindset from “I’m being mistreated” to “I’m being mentored,” something powerful happens. You stop defending your ego and start growing your capability. When you shift your mindset, you can then ask yourself, what are they trying to teach me in this situation and the learning begins.

Of course, there’s a difference between constructive challenge and genuine toxicity. But don’t throw away a growth opportunity just because it’s wrapped in discomfort.

The Importance of Staying Connected

Even after you move on from a job or role, stay in touch with your mentors — formal or informal. Those connections evolve. You might one day find yourself mentoring the person who once mentored you.

Just recently, I reached out to a few former colleagues — people I’ve mentored and those who’ve mentored me — and each conversation reminded me how mentorship isn’t about hierarchy. It’s about mutual growth.

The best mentorships are long games. They deepen over time, through trust, shared challenge, and honest feedback.

I'v also had conversations recently with two people I have informally mentored and realized that, at the time, I may not have been teaching them the best behaviors. Keeping connected gives you a chance to improve and maybe a chance to steer them in a slightly different direction.

Takeaway

To succeed in your career — and in life — you need mentors who will tell you when you’re wrong, push you when you’re comfortable, and celebrate you when you’ve earned it.

Find one. Find many. And don’t take the tough feedback personally. It’s a sign that someone believes in your potential.

If you feel ready to grow but aren’t sure how — or if you’ve outgrown the kind of mentorship you’ve always known — let’s talk. Coaching can be the next level of mentorship: one that challenges you, stretches you, and helps you redefine success on your terms.

👉 Schedule a free discovery call today to see how coaching can support your next chapter.