Conquering The Stress of Being a Hyper-Achiever

Hi. My name is Toby and I am a hyper-achiever.

I work hard. I play hard. I strive to win.

Has that served me well? Sometimes Yes and Sometimes No.

YES - I love my work, advanced my career, am financially secure, medaled in triathlons and running races, go on great vacations, have great friends and family, and I live a happy and fulfilled life.

NO - I hurt myself and others. I stopped competing in races, almost never sing karaoke (or anything that would embarrass me), and generally avoid making a fool of myself which reduces the amount of fun I might have at any time. I’m impatient when people are slowing me down or doing sub-par work. When I make my impatience known, I can really irritate people. And in an attempt to be well-regarded, I have compromised my own self to be liked by others.

On my Predictive Index assessment, there is a line which I think encapsulates some of my hyper-achiever dysfunction:

“She has high expectations for herself and finds that few people live up to them”

When I read that line, my first thought was “That’s Me!”. However, I am not sure I would want to be friends with that person.

So what is a hyper-achiever and why is it so revered and yet so destructive?

Definition: The hyper-achiever seeks self-respect and validation from constant performance. This can lead to a goal-oriented and workaholic streak and losing touch with relationships and emotional needs. It adapts its personality to impress other people.

Pros and Cons of Hyper-Achievers

As with everything, there are gains and pains of being a hyper-achiever as outlined below.

So What To Do?

The Most Important Step - Awareness

Recognize and admit that you are a hyper-achiever and that is driving your behavior. It is fine to be a hyper-achiever, but when it is creating a stressful situation for you, identify the cause as the hyper-achiever tendencies. As soon as you can name it and take a pause, you are on your way to reducing your stress.

Next,

Spend some time thinking about when and why you may have become a hyper-achiever? Was it based on receiving conditional love growing up? Were you told, like me, when you came home with an “A” on a test, that you “could have done better” as a joke but somewhat grounded in truth.

Become aware of what being a hyper-achiever is protecting you from. Is it fear of failure? Is it fear of feeling unworthy? Are you craving the recognition or extrinsic rewards to feel better about yourself? For me, it has almost become part of my identity. I recognize the extrinsic recognition feeds my ego in some way.

Finally - Put The Hyper-Achiever Aside and Take Thoughtful Action

If you can recognize that the hyper-achiever is causing you to take on too much work, work too many hours, be impatient with others' approach or results, or just feel an undue amount of stress, you can now set it aside and identify a more constructive course of action. These could be things such as:

• Set realistic goals: Don't set yourself up for failure by setting unrealistic goals. Don’t feel compelled to promise an unrealistic due date to look good. Be thoughtful about what you can do given your other constraints and underpromise. You can always deliver early and wow them with your efficiency.

• Take a break: Don't try to do everything at once. Take breaks throughout the day to relax and recharge. Use those breaks to do some deep breathing or take a walk to clear your mind.

• Be comfortable saying no or not right now. People will typically understand if you don’t have the emotional or physical bandwidth to take on an assignment at the current time. For example, if someone is asking to chat with you and you are in the middle of something important, it is OK to say that you are in the middle of something and request that they come back in 2 hours. If it is urgent, they will say so, but 9 out of 10 times, it is not urgent.

• Delegate tasks: Don't be afraid to ask for help. Delegate tasks to others so that you can focus on the most important things. And contrary to many people's opinions, delegation is not about dumping crap onto other people, but rather giving others and opportunity to grow their skills. Follow the Eisenhower Matrix ranking the tasks as Urgent / Not Urgent, and Important / Not Important and act accordingly.

• Establish boundaries: Carve out time for important tasks by blocking your calendar or working from home to eliminate distractions. When you are working on those important tasks, turn off notifications from your messaging tool (i.e. Slack) and email and put your phone on silent.

• Take care of yourself: Make sure to get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise regularly. These things will help you to manage stress and stay healthy. Go on vacation. Remember, that

"No One Is Irreplaceable. You can get away"

• Try Coaching: If you are struggling to manage stress due to being a hyper-achiever, reach out and schedule a coaching discovery call to help build tools to create boundaries, develop self-command over the hyper-achiever, and learn to reduce your stress.

About the Author: Toby Adamson

Toby is an executive and leadership coach focusing on helping emerging and existing leaders advance their careers. She has vast experience in both large and small businesses, public and private, in numerous industries, and at various levels of management from peon to leadership. As a hyper-achiever, she did all this while also raising two children, founding a software company, and keeping her stress levels at a minimum.