How Can I Influence a Decision When People Don’t Respect My Expertise? A Leadership Mindset Shift
On Monday, my expertise was brushed aside. On Tuesday, someone new told me I had the right vision all along. If you’ve ever sat in a meeting knowing you had the answer, watched it get dismissed, and wondered how to influence the decision anyway, this one is for you.
Why don’t people respect my expertise?
My company had just been acquired by a large insurance company. At the same time, they bought another company that had been in business longer and brought in far more revenue. They wanted our technology and my vision, and the goal was to build something new that took the best of both products.
Nobody was in charge, and when no one owns the decision, egos fill the gap.
For months, I was ignored in meetings, put down in front of others, and even reprimanded. The decisions I was trying to influence kept going the other way. Then the next day, someone would tell me I’d been right. I couldn’t tell where my expertise stood, and I couldn’t tell how to get it heard.
Part of what I was up against was power. The other leader’s company brought in the revenue, and revenue carries weight in a room. He also had only ever worked inside one software company, while I had worked across a broad range of them. That created two imbalances: he had the power and I had the breadth of experience. NPR’s Life Kit has a helpful episode on getting heard in meetings that talks about how often being talked over comes down to power, which is a useful reminder that it’s rarely a verdict on your competence.
My guess, and it’s only my analysis, is that insecurity made it hard for him to trust anyone or take the risks the vision required. When people disagreed with him, he used his position to push back, and usually it worked.
Neither of us was exhibiting a leadership mindset, so in the race to be appointed the leader, we both lost.
What was I doing that kept me from being heard?
Here’s the part that was harder to see. Some of it was me. Yep. You read that right.
I coach using a framework of saboteurs, the inner voices that run on autopilot and work against us while believing they’re protecting us. Three of mine were loud:
The Hyper-Achiever needs to win and be recognized as the one who got it right.
The Controller wants to run the process so nothing goes sideways.
The Judge criticizes everyone, including me, and keeps score.
So I walked into every meeting needing to prove my expertise and control the outcome. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a conversation, and people can feel it. The harder I pushed to be seen as the expert, the more resistance I got.
In iPEC’s Energy Leadership framework, which looks at the energy we bring to a situation, I was running on conflict energy. I was fighting to be right, and so was he. Two people pushing hard in opposite directions create a lot of heat and very little movement on the decision.
Read more about the difference between a manager mindset and a leadership mindset.
What leadership mindset helps you influence a decision?
The shift I wish I’d made sooner is this: a leadership mindset treats influence as something you build with people instead of something you win over them.
When you lead from that mindset, you stop trying to prove you’re the smartest person in the room. You get curious about what the decision-maker actually needs, what they’re afraid of, and what a good outcome looks like to them. Then you connect your expertise to that.
If I had asked, “What worries you most about this approach?” instead of defending my position, I might have learned what was driving his resistance. If he had asked what I had seen work at other companies, we both might have gotten somewhere. We would both have been better off.
Curiosity isn’t passive. It’s the fastest way to move out of fighting energy and into a calmer, more creative place, and from there you can influence the decision much more effectively. It also gives you information, so you can decide whether to keep pushing, escalate, or step back.
After I left, it took months before I felt steady again. I’m sharing that because this kind of sustained disrespect takes a real toll, and you’re allowed to take it seriously.
How can you influence a decision this week?
Here are five things to try:
Ask what the decision-maker is worried about. Listen first. Then frame your expertise as the answer to their concern.
Name your saboteur before you walk in. If you notice the Hyper-Achiever or Controller driving, take a breath and ask what you actually want from this meeting.
Put your recommendation in writing. Send a short summary with two or three options and your reasoning. It creates a record and gives people something to react to.
Find an ally and line up support before the meeting. Talk to one trusted person ahead of time and agree to back up each other’s points.
Check your energy. Ask yourself whether you’re coming in to win or to understand. Choose the second.
None of these require you to be perfect. They give you a steadier place to stand when your expertise isn’t being recognized.
If you’re ready to build your influence and step into your next level of leadership, I’d love to help. Schedule a free discovery call
Coach Toby
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