Thank You For The Feedback, Chef

Your manager or someone above you says “Nice job. Next time, <fill in the blank with feedback>”

What’s your first thought?

I messed up. The reason I behaved that way was because <fill in the blank with excuses>. And then your response is defensive where you try to explain your position. Of like Richie in "The Bear", you get sarcastic and challenge authority.

Ultimately your manager will get frustrated and you will end the day perseverating over the meeting, possibly losing sleep, and starting to lose confidence in your abilities. And then the next meeting, given your lower confidence, your performance degrades.

The problem is that feedback is filtered through your personal lens which may be impacting your ability to hear it clearly. So if you are a hyper-achiever you may hear feedback as proof that you aren’t good enough. If you are pleaser, you hear the feedback and think you let someone down. Or if you watch this video from "The Bear", you can see how Richie's lens was shifted by someone else's lens resulting in a more constructive response.

Does this sound familiar?

There are three possible triggers that affect your feedback lens:

• Truth Trigger: We all have our own interpretations of situations. When feedback contradicts your understanding, it can trigger defensiveness because you feel your version of the truth is being challenged.

• Relationship Trigger: Our openness to feedback can be influenced by our relationship with the person providing it. If you trust and respect the person, you're more likely to be receptive to their insights.if you don’t trust and respect them, it impedes your reception.

• Identity Trigger: We often hold strong views about ourselves. If feedback conflicts with your self-image, it can be difficult to accept, even if it's constructive.

Given these feedback triggers, what might be a better way?

First of all, we need to start with the concept that feedback is a gift giving us an opportunity to improve. Here's the best approach to receiving it:

1. Acknowledge the feedback: A simple "Thank you for the feedback" shows appreciation.

2. Seek clarification (optional): If you need more information to understand the feedback, feel free to ask for clarification. This is not about being defensive, but about learning.

3. Reflect on the feedback: Take time to ponder the feedback. Consider what changes, if any, you might want to make. Don't feel pressured to make changes, but give it serious thought. As you reflect on the feedback, remember to avoid judging yourself harshly and instead replace judgment with empathy for yourself.

We've all been there: receiving feedback that throws us into a cycle of self-doubt and missed opportunities. By reframing feedback as a gift you give yourself a chance to learn, grow, and improve.

By understanding the "feedback triggers" that cloud our judgment – our interpretation of truth, our relationships, and our self-image – we can overcome the urge to be defensive. Remember, it's not about proving yourself perfect, it's about embracing the opportunity to learn and become the best version of yourself.