It's Who We Become That Gives Meaning To Our Lives

Vacations are supposed to be for fun, but on my recent one, I also am going to blow you away with how much I learned that will help me evolve and grow just by paying attention. You might just learn a thing or two as well. Grab your sun block, sun hats, and umbrellas and hang out with me for a few.

First some background. I spent 2 weeks on a Dutch Caribbean island called Bonaire which is near Aruba and Curacao. It is a scuba diver’s paradise and a little too close to the equator. Besides scuba diving, Bonaire has options to hike, bike, windsurf, kite surf, sail, snorkel, and relax. It is also a place where 2 dear friends recently moved to spend a few years with family.

Following are 15 lessons learned I learned around teamwork, perspective, personal growth, and connection that you may also find valuable, if not just interesting.

Teamwork

Synchronized Teamwork

The wildlife on the island taught us many lessons. The first one was while scuba diving on our last dive of the trip in the last five minutes of the dive. We saw a bait ball. A bait ball is when small fish swarm in a tightly packed spherical formation around a common center. It is a last-ditch defensive measure adopted by small schooling fish when they are threatened by predators.

In this case it was a bait WALL. Literally about 30 feet wide and 100 feet long. One of the most impressive sights I have seen underwater. Bait balls work as a cohesive unit with everyone playing their role. The fish in the middle are like the operators. They have no idea what is going on or if a predator is nearby, they just swim. The fish on the outside are in constant lookout for predators. Within the school itself, there is no centralized intelligence aware of how the school has configured itself. Rather, the schooling behavior is the consequence of relatively simple rules followed by each individual fish in the school, such as remaining close together, moving in the same direction, and avoiding collisions with each other.

As teams, we could stand to follow similar less choreographed rules. Move in the same direction and don't step on each other's toes. Help each other out.

Constructive Response to Predators Competition

The bait ball reacts to movements from a predator with lightning reflexes, rhythmically streaming up and down with rapid direction changes. When a predator approaches, they can split and re-form behind the predator. In our case, they split around us until they realized we were not a threat and they re-formed.

Similarly, when competition is threatening, react swiftly, but don't veer too much from your north star. Re-form and continue down the path you know will help you grow your company.

Unfortunately, our camera died right before the bait ball, but here is an example of one that is still not as large as the one we saw.

Leaders and Followers

I find it interesting to see how each of us behaves on vacation and how it can shift so easily. Although I tend to be a leader at work, I tend to go with the flow on vacation and love nothing more than to have someone else I trust make all the decisions. When I go away with my fiance Bob, we have a reasonable balance of decision making. Yet, it was interesting to see what happened when we had a flight cancellation late at night and were stuck at Newark Airport with no flights, no hotels, and no options. We Ubered to another airport 1.5 hours away, arriving before they were even open. We had no sleep and my role evolved to be the one who made sure we didn’t wander around aimlessly, got home as soon as possible, or miss our flight. The roles under duress were defined and we made it home safely.

The same thing happens in the work environment. What are the roles under normal circumstances? What are the roles under duress? How can you make it more deliberate vs. default like we did? How can you train others to take the lead role vs. always relying on the same people? How can you ensure that the insight and intelligence of the follower is heard?

The Nature of Conflict

Natural behaviors of species, even those seemingly distant from our own, are strikingly similar to our own. This very short video of lizards fighting for bread crusts shows the nature of the dominant lizards fighting for their share and the less dominant who would rather let others fight and find food another way. I have seen teams behave this way and typically the outcomes are sub-optimal. I wouldn’t do this with the lizards, but if you have a team that isn’t working cohesively, looking at the styles of your team members using an instrument like DISC can help improve understanding of each other’s styles and communication thereby reducing the fighting and the resulting frustration thus improving outcomes.

Teamwork Can Save Your Life

Scuba diving requires teamwork. One of the first and most important rules you learn is to always have a buddy. If something goes wrong your buddy is there to help, leveraging multiple techniques to make sure you can ascend safely. In Bonaire, your buddy serves an additional, but no less important role. Bonaire is renowned for its shore diving where you can literally drive up to a site, gear up, and walk in. Easy right? Well not always. These are not sand entries, they are laden with rocks, and sea urchins, and can be wavy at times. All of these make it difficult for those of us with questionable balance. Your buddy can be an important counter weight helping you avoid a slip and the inevitable scrapes or possible broken ankle. And when you fall (as we assuredly did) your buddy may just fall with you in solidarity (or rather due to gravity), but you fall together!

Teamwork at work is just as important. When there are difficult tasks at hand, lending some counter-weight to your partner can help everyone succeed. I call that a win-win.

Perspective

Donkey Perspective

Bonaire has a plethora of Donkeys. They even have a donkey sanctuary where you are overwhelmed by thousands of donkeys seeking carrots. The donkeys in the wild are a curious attraction triggering new visitors to stop and take pictures.

But if you look at their behavior, they could remind you of that person on your team who is holding everyone back. They just sit there in the road doing nothing and blocking traffic. They beg for your favor. And you can’t get rid of them.

But what about another lens on the donkey? They are adorable beasts. They are very friendly. In rural areas, donkeys are often used in farming and as transportation: they pull plows and carts, deliver goods to market, and collect water from wells. In urban areas, they are mainly used in construction, transport of people and goods, and refuse collection.

Maybe a new lens on that colleague could help you find what they contribute vs how they annoy you.

Human Perspective

Plane seats suck. I think we can all agree on that, unless you regularly fly first class. The longer the flight the worse it is. Luckily I am on the smaller side and typically I can curl up and make do. This past trip I was squished between a fully grown teenage boy and a very large Ohio State college football player. Based on the footballer’s tendency to shift his legs or his shoulders into my space, I’m sure this football player's perspective was that since I was small I should share. And, as you would imagine, my perspective was that I paid full dollar for my seat, was sitting in the middle seat on a long flight, and deserved every inch of this seat. Which one of us is right?

Perspective can impact relationships at work as well. When have you had a conflict at work because you wanted to get something done and your colleague was acting in opposition? What might their perspective be? How can you find out?

User Perspective

You may not know this, but the dutch tend towards the taller side. And since Bonaire is a Dutch Caribbean country, tall was the norm. The first week we were in a house that had a pool that was entirely too deep for me, such that my only choices were to be constantly moving, hanging on the side, or floating on the only noodle on premises if it was available. The second week my view in the bathroom mirror was very limited (as seen above).

I get it. I’m short. I must be outside the 80/20 rule for user experience on a Dutch island. But, as a person who was responsible for design, you also need to think about the 20% and figure out how they are going to get their job done. As an example, a stool might have been useful.

Personal Growth

Body Language is the Universal Language

They speak three languages on Bonaire. Dutch, Papiamento (the native language unavailable on Duolingo) and English (phew). So although we were able to communicate effortlessly with people in English, our friend speaks all three languages. So when we were out and about, at any moment he would switch languages to the most comfortable one for the other party. And interestingly enough, I could almost always tell what they were talking about based on their body language. The more expressive you speak the easier it is to understand what you are saying. Is this a lesson for communicating at work? Either way, it is funny. Or "grappig" in Dutch and "pret" in Papiamento.

Living Without Can Be Just Fine

On Bonaire it is hot. Perpetually. Day and Night. And electricity isn’t cheap. They are moving to solar, but still it is fairly standard to only have and use air conditioning in the bedrooms and only at night. And it is surprising how you can learn to live without abundant air conditioning and be perfectly happy. OK, maybe you shower more and spend more time in the shade, pool or ocean, but you are great. It is a character-building experience to live in different circumstances and realize you will be fine. Having said that, bug spray is essential. I came home with just a few too many bug bites.

Breaking Out of Your Comfort Zone Can Be Satisfying

I tend to try a lot of things once (within limits). My favorite phrase is “I’m in”. At times, I have learned what I do well and don’t do well. So after 14 stitches from surfing, a stiff back from attempting wakeboarding, and countless falls slalom water skiing, I decided sideways balance activities were not for me. And then just watching those windsurfers, I was sure I wasn’t strong enough to get that darn sail up. But this year, after my friend’s daughter did it and assured me I’d be OK (hah) I moved past my misgivings and signed up for a lesson. And guess what - I could pull that sail up and I could balance. I could even turn. Did I break any speed records - Nope. Did I hurt myself - also Nope. And it was a lot of fun.

I will try it again and I recommend you consider this perspective when presented with a similar challenge.

The Natural Stages Of Life

Something else that lives in nature and in us is our transitions through life. On our last day we noticed this set of palm trees that represented the phases of a palm tree's growth and life (pictured above)

The first one had one mere palm frond sticking straight up.

The second one had a handful more.

And the third, fourth, and fifth had progressively more. So it goes with humans, not just in our physical appearance, but also in our development stages.

We had a chance to witness this in action because for the first week on vacation two of our children joined us. And for the second week, one of our friends' kids was on the island. Seeing mini versions of us and watching their interactions reminded me of us when we were young. They are in the second and third palm of their lives and I look forward to when they are the mature palm trees and can look at the younger generation and feel that connection to their youth while still enjoying their maturity.

How To Give Up Control

We all dive with a dive computer and it is essential to make sure you are safe. It handles basic functions like

• tracking how deep you are at all times

• viewing your total dive time, which we typically try to keep to 60 minutes

• notification as to when to do a safety stop, which is essential to making sure you don’t get decompression sickness

• monitoring surface interval which is important to allow nitrogen levels to return to normal after a dive

• presenting oxygen percentage in your blood to prevent oxygen toxicity.

Sounds pretty important, right? Yep.

However, on our last day of diving, I forgot my dive computer. We were at the dive site and totally geared up when I realized my mistake. So I took a leap of faith and dove without it. Now that was not easy because, at times, from my perspective, it appears Bob doesn’t always track his depth or total dive time (he does). I thought for sure I would be obsessing the whole dive about how deep we were, how long we were diving, and when we should perform a safety stop. It was about to really test my need for control. But I prepped myself and let my instincts sense our depth and let go of my control and trust Bob. As it turned out I had a very pleasant dive, only reached for his dive computer twice, and asked about our depth twice. Not perfect, but way better than I thought I would fare.

Oh and yes, I stopped by our place to grab the computer for our second dive of the day.

Dealing with our saboteurs, such as control, stickler, or hyper-achieving can be challenging. But recognizing that a saboteur is impacting your behavior is the first step in conquering them.

Connection and Community

Community is Important

One of the most interesting aspects of diving is that underwater it is otherworldly. But, in essence it is similar to our world. You probably saw Finding Nemo and although I couldn’t hear the fish talk, it resonates with me. We saw a baby eel getting bullied by a couple of bigger fish, we saw fish cleaning the shell of turtles to help out, we saw groups of fish hanging out around a coral formation in what could only be called a fish condo. It just shows that regardless of your species, community is important.

The Joy of Connection

Boy did we miss our friends. They had only been gone 3 months, but their absence was noticed. For privacy reasons, I won’t reveal too much about them, but they are always a breath of fresh air. Our first night there, we arrived right at dinner time after traveling all day and they had brought a grill to the beach and had dinner waiting for us. That was so unexpected and delightful. We then saw them every night, swapping out who handled dinner. That grill traveled far and wide to our rental house and 2 other beach locations and we had a variety of dishes generated from its coals including chicken, freshly caught fish, pork chops, steak, and grilled vegetables. We also enjoyed cooling off in the pool, running early in the morning to avoid the heat of the day, yoga on the beach, windsurfing, and more. My heart is full after spending so many meaningful hours with these dear friends. I wish you all have that same connection in your lives.

And The Final Thought

Life is a series of experiences that you can live through or learn from. Personally, I loved the vacation and loved that I was able to find insights, just by paying attention, that help me in my life and business.

As Tony Robbins says,

“It is not what we get. But who we become, what we contribute… that gives meaning to our lives.” – Tony Robbins